- DEMI LYNCH -
Back in the day I was OBSESSED with magazines.
In my teen years every month I would buy (actually my Mum would buy) Dolly, Cleo, Cosmopolitan and Girlfriend magazines (yes I was a spoilt little shit, I'm aware of that now).
In fact, my first love was probably Girlfriend magazine.
I discovered that magazine when I was about 11 years old.
I remember I was the first one in my group at primary school to read Girlfriend (for some reason that made me so proud as I thought that made me more grown up).
So with everything going on this year, you know a global pandemic putting countries into lockdown, I decided to walk down memory lane and dig through my magazine collection.
I used to have hundreds of magazines but my partner made me declutter.
Apparently having over 100 magazines from a decade ago takes up too much room in a small one bedroom apartment.
Anyway let's put our nostalgia goggles on and go back to the world of sealed sections, celebrity crushes and questionable 2000s fashion.
Time to re-discover my first love - Girlfriend.
To kick off this nostalgic journey I found a Girlfriend magazine from 2008.
Remember when Amanda Bynes was Hollywood's biggest teen star - before the media ripped her to pieces when she was at her most vulnerable and had a mental breakdown in the public eye (talking to you gossip magazines).
The title "How to meet your celeb crush" is on the cover - mmmmmm I have a feeling this will be problematic.
Man this magazine is over 12 years old! To put into perspective how long ago 2008 was - the iPhone had just been released, Katy Perry had just rose to fame with her hit song 'I Kissed a Girl' and the first Twilight film had just came out. Yeah 2008 was indeed a long time ago.
Oooof Girlfriend isn't off to a great start. Yes I know this magazine is 12 years old and times have changed. But wow who thought it was a great idea to write a pretend letter to Ashley Tisdale saying she now looks like a cartoon because of her nose job.
Damn not even up to page 20 and there's already been 11 pages full of ads. Forgot how many ads are in magazines.
Eeeeek awkward! So there's this list thing where you pick what female icon you wanna be. And after you choose an icon it tells you what book, handbag, iPod (awww iPod I miss you) and website matches your personality. One of the icons is JK Rowling. AWKWARD!
In JK Rowling's column it says the perfect song to listen to if you're a JK Rowling fan is Nelly Furtado's 'Say it Right' because "being a writer, you gotta know how to say it right." Mmmmm....12 years later JK Rowling isn't really saying anything right because it turns out she's transphobic! Like I said eeeekk, awkward.
Holy shit there is an entire page dedicated to ring tones. Remember back in the day you would beg your Mum to buy a ringtone for your phone.
You know it's 2008 when the ad says the most popular ringtone is Soulja Boy with 'Crank That.'
OH MY GOOD GOD Rogue Traders is on the list. These really were the good ol' days.
Can we please take a moment to appreciate Rogue Traders and all their gloriousness. I mean c'mon their album "Here Come The Drums," was the definition of I.C.O.N.I.C!!!
"Baby baby baby. You are my Voodoo Child, my voodoo child. Don't say maybe maybe. It's supernatural I'm coming undone."
Remember back in the 2000s unnecessary belts were the craze.
Oh dear god no - there is an anorexic joke in here. Eeeeek! Look obviously there was going to be some things in here that didn't age well.
On the calendar it features Victoria Beckham's birthday. But it says, "it's Victoria Beckham's birthday but will she eat her cake?" Mmmmm...yeah that would not get by in 2020.
A flip to the script here - anyone else remember Hoity Toity?! I LOVED THEIR body spray. I would lather that shit up in the locker rooms. I felt so grown up having one because it looked like it was covered in lace.
Okay I'm really vibing these knee high socks. I need to get some more. I will always love knee high socks.
They have a page dedicated to clothes that is "rebellious" and "tough chic." Yet featured is a holographic shirt with a tiger on it. Ummmmmm. The only rebellious thing about that shirt is that it would be a fashion crime to wear it. Hahaha get it. Yes I know I'm terrible.
OHHH MYY GODDDD there is an ad for Emily the Strange. I LOVED their shit as a kid. Never bought their stuff, but I always imagined my alter ego grunge self would wear their clothes.
There are a lot of jewellery recommendations from Diva. Do they still even exist????
I would ALWAYS shop at Diva as a kid. Was the best place to buy gigantic bright rings that my teachers would yell at me to remove.
Woahhhh Diva closed down 6 years ago! Well there goes my childhood.
I just found an ad for the movie St Trinian's. Young Demi was OBSESSED with this movie!
Gotta admit Girlfriend had some great articles for pre-teen girls; such as, "10 Really Good Reasons Why Getting Wasted is a Total Waste of Time." Obviously I didn't remember this article when I started drinking Vodka Cruisers and Smirnoff Double Blacks 5 years later.
We have an article here educating pre-teens about the Kyoto Protocol. And then next to it we have an article about the importance of our siblings. HERE FOR THIS!!! Yes Girlfriend.
YAASSSSSS I remember the "How Embarrassing" section. The stories were always so cringe-worthy!
Okay I'm reading through the embarrassing stories section and these stories aren't even that bad. These girls obviously haven't experienced the traumatic world of adulthood. Like honey you think it's SO EMBARRASSING your crush knows you like him. Try getting your heart broken by guy who you flew overseas to see TWICE only to have him impregnate his friend while you were still together - THAT'S EMBARRASSING!
Anyway, back to the nostalgia train.
Dammmmmn raise your hand if you ever owned a climate change shirt with big bold letters that you probably got from a surf shop or Supré.
This outfit just SCREAMS 2000s fashion.
Okay everyone WE MADE IT! We made it to the BEST PART of the magazine!!! THE SEALED SECTION! As a kid as soon as I got home from the news-agency I would hide in my room and rip open the sealed section IMMEDIATELY. I remember I used to hide the ripped 'sealed section' tag deep in the kitchen bin so no one would find it.
YES! Go Girlfriend this month's topic is masturbation! HERE! FOR! THIS! Who needed sex education in school - this magazine taught me all the goods.
* VOMIT * Apparently some people refer to masturbating as "churning the butter," or "petting the petunia," or "paddling the pink canoe."
Like what the actual fuck am I reading??? "Riding the unicycle." "Tickling Elmo." Poor fucking Elmo!
Imagine telling your parents you're off to your room to go fucking "pearl fishing."
If I'm ever talking about masturbating nowadays I just say I'm off to have a wank.
Ummmmmmm. One of the questions sent in by an anonymous reader is, "is it true if a guy has a warm bath before sex he won't release sperm?" WHAT?!?! Who even comes up with this? Like why warm water - why not hot water or cold water? How does the water even reach the sperm before he ejaculates? Through that teeny tiny hole at the end of his dick? Would he then have to be in the bath for a certain period of time to get enough water through that hole? Does the water then drown the sperm while it's still in his body? Like how??????
Okay everyone I bring you more confusion into your lives. I have found more ICONIC 2000s fashion!
Yeah some of these items, all I can say are.... CHOICES.
YAS! I just landed on the astrology section. I would always be such a bitch, when my friends would ask me what does their star sign say I would give them the wrong one. And I wouldn't tell them I gave them the wrong one until they started harping on about how "truthful" their horoscope predictions were.
This is why I don't have friends.
Ummmmmm. Are they really giving readers tips on how to stalk their favourite celebrities? "Man the exists until he/she leaves?" "Only celebs call it stalking." Yeah as I thought - THIS IS PROBLEMATIC AS FUCK!
Oooooh this is awkward.
Earlier in the magazine some of the writers made fun of Ashley Tisdale's nose job. YET her album is one of the prizes in their giveaway competition. Mmmmm... AWKWARD!
Made it to the back cover of the magazine and there are more phone ringtones and backgrounds for sale. This time they're raunchy ones. Young Demi was always intrigued by these.
Alrighty we're at the end of the magazine folks. That was a JOURNEY! Thank you for coming along on the nostalgia train with me.
I think next week I shall review another magazine from the 2000s. Maybe Dolly? Or Cleo? Or Cosmo? See lucky I didn't throw out all my magazines DANIEL! Who needs decluttering!